Parenting my ADHD Child - Advice to my Younger Parenting Self

ADVICE TO MY YOUNGER PARENTING SELF

My child with A.D.H.D is 15 now and doing well in secondary school. He is a happy, chatty, outgoing boy with a lovely group of friends and he has kind, supportive teachers. He's a normal, imperfect teenager. We got here after some awful years in primary school and I wish I'd known some things back then that I know now...

Cleaning out boxes in the attic one morning recently, I opened up my son's school journals from his first primary school. The copious correspondence between his teachers and I took me back to a time when I was young, naive, eager to please and ignorant about my son's condition and his needs. It reminded me of the many, many, many afternoons I fought and cried with him over doing his homework. It reminded me of desperate moments that I would forge his writing to pretend he had done it, to avoid punishment for him from his unyielding teacher the next day. A time when I got angry and shouted at him for feeling embarrassed and stressed following yet another summons and diatribe from his scary teacher. A time I punished him at home for things that happened in school because I was told to do so by his teacher. For too long, I sent him to that school where he was unhappy, demeaned and punished daily and often for things that were outside his control. He was a really bright boy who spent much of his time in the junior infants classroom to humiliate him into compliance or standing outside his classroom or sitting inside the Principal's office being threatened.

His crimes were; reading to the end of a page when the class had been told to stop, paring his pencil at the wrong time, pushing a kid who had pushed him first, talking out of turn, fidgeting or jiggling in his chair, going to the toilet too frequently, not looking at the teacher when she was speaking to him, not concentrating on task, unfinished work... The list was endless but looking back now, none of it was terrible, though he and I were made to feel so. I realise now that his teacher's cataclysmic responses and complete lack of tolerance was the real problem. I hate that I was that stupid, nodding-dog Mum for a while, that I did not protect him.

Thankfully, we finally woke up and extracted him from that toxic environment after 3rd class and he moved to a school where he was treated with kindness and compassion. Really, really simple things made a huge difference to his happiness, co-operation and performance in school. I cannot express to you how life changing it is to have a Principal and a teacher who understands ADHD. He couldn't believe that he was allowed to take breaks from class as often as he felt like it, without so much as a word to his teacher. All the teachers in the school knew that if they saw him walking the corridor, he was on a little break and they would smile and chat to him as he passed. He was asked for his input into how class could be better for him. His social skills were developed. I was treated with compassion and my input too was valued. The nasty correspondence home stopped. He started to blossom.

If I were starting all over again, I would tell myself to pick my battles carefully (homework was not a worthwhile battle), to read my son's behaviours (what is beyond his anger - is he mentally exhausted?, did something happen at school?, is he simply hungry?)
and I would stand up for his needs against the powerhouse that school can be. In our case, I would eliminate homework for him in primary school. I instilled a love of reading in my children and on reflection, that was all he needed to be doing. He was reading way beyond his age and yet mundane homework was the source of so much angst in our daily lives for too many years. In my do-over, I would talk to his teacher at the beginning of the year and tell her that we would probably not be doing homework most days and explain to her that his level of concentration in school all day already stretched him and that him getting fresh air and exercise after school was essential to his wellbeing and that us having a friction free afternoon was more important.

In the scheme of my beautiful boy's life, all those years of homework didn't count for anything except bad memories. I guess what I am saying, is take a step back and examine the source of your greatest battles and weigh up - is it worth it? Is it that important? How will you reflect on it in years to come? Gaining perspective on what is important and learning to stand up for my son have been the biggest learning curves on my ADHD parenting journey and one that I'm keeping in mind every day that I encourage my lad to do some study for his junior cert. Some days, he does great, productive study and others he spins on his chair and day dreams out the window. His bedroom is mostly messy, he has to be told to do something ten times, he is disorganised and he blurts out lies before folding with the truth, but boy, does he make me laugh with his quick wit, he is kind hearted and a complete charmer,a loyal friend, he gives the best spontaneous hugs and I know he is going to be absolutely okay. I just wish I'd known this ten years ago when his eager little face disappeared through the door of junior infants.

Baking and Learning

Whenever possible, learning should be fun.  If you go one better, the child won't even realise that they are learning in that moment.

Baking is a perfect example of a natural teachable moment at home.  I know it creates mess, requires patience and often seems like a lot of hassle but I promise you, it's worth it.  It's not about creating masterpieces either so you don't need to be a domestic goddess to bake with your kids (I'm definitely not!).  You don't need to be passing on heirloom recipes - start with simple Rice Krispie buns if you like.

Today, my daughter and I prepped for our Christmas Cake baking day tomorrow.  There was great excitement because this occasion marks the start of the festive season for us.  The first thing she did today was to unearth my grandmother's cake tins from the back of the press.  Although, we have lovely new, non-stick tins that we use for our regular baking, it's become our tradition to use my grandmother's tins for the Christmas cake.  Laughter, spices and flour dust filled the air in the kitchen today but what did my daughter learn in the process?

Procedure
Asking a child to read a recipe and to follow the step by step instructions is an important life skill.  It demonstrates to a child that while she may not know how to do something, she can learn how to by following a particular set of instructions.
It also teaches children about the importance of order.  Skipping a step or doing steps in the wrong order can have disastrous effects on how a cake turns out.  The same is true of solving maths problems, building a house or performing an operation.
For a child who struggles with concentration, this is a great way to exercise this 'muscle' under some patient guidance to keep them on track.

Maths 

Baking and cooking is an ideal way for children to use their maths in a real life situation.  They get the opportunity to recognise different units of measure and to use a weighing scales and other measurement tools.
Today, I asked my daughter to calculate how many grammes of dried fruit in total were needed for our Christmas Cake recipe.  I knew I did not have the correct exact quantities of currants, raisins and cherries according to the recipe but I estimated that I probably had enough enough in totality to do the job.  She wrote out her figures e.g 800g, 150g and 110g in a column on a piece of paper and totalled it no problem.  I asked her to weigh all the dried fruit that we had in the store cupboard and to note them down, then total them and to let me know if we had enough.  It didn't matter if there were slightly more raisins and slightly fewer cherries than the recipe indicated as long as the total matched the recipe.  I left her to work on this task independently while I organised the rest of the ingredients.  I observed her discreetly and she wrote all the weights down in column form again e.g. Currants 550g, Raisins 300g and so on.  The only error she made was not spacing out her numbers correctly which made it more difficult for her to identify and add the units, tens and hundreds.  I suggested she write the numbers out again in bigger writing making sure to place the units, tens and hundreds underneath each other.  This helped her arrive at the correct total.  She concluded correctly that we did have enough to proceed with the recipe.  In fact, we had 50g more than we needed so she asked could she eat some of the raisins because she loves them!  How could I resist.

Handwriting
There were a few ingredients that I was missing so I asked my daughter to tick off each of those that we had and to write out a shopping list of any item that I needed to buy tomorrow.  I reminded her to include the quantity too so I would know how many packets/tubs to buy.  I have her list in my handbag for my grocery shopping tomorrow morning.

Planning
Together, we went through the recipe from start to finish so that we had an overview of what we would be doing tomorrow.  As we went through it, we identified all the utensils, bowls and accessories that we would need.  My daughter zoomed around the kitchen sourcing the relevant items.  We also soaked the dried fruit in brandy and weighed out the other ingredients in readiness for tomorrow.

Of course, she didn't go to bed thinking about all that she had learned or practised, she went to bed feeling loved and excited.  The learning was incidental.  Parents probably don't give themselves enough credit for how much they impart to their children in their every day activities.

I do a lot of baking with my children because I love it.  I love that it puts us in a room together with no distractions and it gives us time to chat and giggle together.  My daughter particularly enjoys baking and so too did my son when he was younger.  He has recently graduated to cooking.  He enjoyed watching some of Jamie Oliver's 30 Minute Mealsliver's on TV so I bought him the cook book which he's used to cook us a few dinners.  It's a bit of a nail biting experience for me as he makes a pretty horrific mess in the kitchen in the process but the pride on his face as he serves up the fruits of his labours makes my heart swell.  I like to think it gives him a healthy respect for my cooking efforts too.
Domestic skills such as baking and cooking are often over-looked today as they compete with more exciting pastimes but I believe they are still relevant, important and enjoyable for today's child.  At the very least, I want my children to know how to cook themselves a few nutritious meals when they head off to college.  When I articulated this very point to my son one day, his eyes lit up, he smiled his cheeky grin and said; "Good idea Mom!  I will be a big hit with the girls, cooking them gourmet dinners in my flat!"

Long Live the Maverick Teacher

I really enjoy The Secret Teacher, an anonymous blog/column in The Guardian newspaper.  It offers  great insight into the challenges facing teachers in the UK every day.

Today's Secret Teacher blog focused on the demise of the much-loved, eccentric or maverick teacher, at least one of whom we can all recall fondly from our own school days.  It gave me pause for thought.

For me it was my german teacher.  We were all slightly scared of her because she was volatile...but brilliant.  She had no time for messers but she had all the time in the world for those that were interested in learning german.   She would sweep into the classroom, arms laden with 'handouts' of her own creation and students would sit bolt upright, switched on and in silence until her first words signalled the start of class.  We were captivated by her wild tangle of curly hair, her hippy anything-goes dress code and intense teaching methods.  Her love for the german language transferred to us and remains with me to this day.  So much so, I went on to study it at university.  She was a revered character in our school; students would part like the red sea for Moses, when she would sweep through the corridors.  Those who never had the privilege of her teaching were terrified of her but those whom she taught respected her above all other teachers.

If the OFSTED (the UK Office for Standards in Education) system is pushing these beacons of light out of our schools, there is something radically wrong.  Surely eccentricity which usually stems from one's passion for their subject is a rare, positive trait that should be treasured in any school because that passion lights a fire under students.  The same can be said of parents who are excited about their children's education - our enthusiasm is the fuel that propels them forward.

Now more than ever, our students' attention need to be captured and their brains engaged in learning in more diverse, less traditional ways.  Our children were born into a hyper-stimulated world of technology and media where information is acquired at warp speed and delivered in 4D technicolour.  A teacher standing at the top of the classroom with an open book in one hand and a piece of chalk in the other is history.  We need those eccentric, radical thinking, outside-the-box, highly energised, passionate, maverick teachers now more than ever.

OFSTED in the UK appear to have lost sight of what they are trying to achieve.  Many teachers appear to feel tied to their desks, drowning in paperwork and working harder to please the school inspector rather than their students.  The Department of Education here should pay attention to what teachers in the UK are saying about OFSTED and reconsider going down the same bureaucratic route.  As a parent, I'm not impressed by carefully plotted graphs showing my child's progress benchmarked against national averages.  I'm impressed when my child's teacher inspires and challenges them in the classroom on a daily basis.  I'm impressed when her teacher demonstrates at our Parent/Teacher meeting how well she knows my child and how she's helping her to grow, learn, achieve and improve.  I'm impressed when my child's teacher shows awareness of the different abilities and different learning styles within her class.  I'm impressed when my child's teacher shows she cares if my child is upset or hurt. I'm impressed when my child's teacher veers off plan and uses a newsworthy event or story as a teachable moment.  Forcing teachers to limit their teaching to certain themes across all strands is not realistic or natural.  Teachers need room to breathe, to put their own personality and passion into their lessons and to be spontaneous at times.

My son reports fondly on the eccentricities, hilarity and genius of his favourite teachers at secondary school.  Not surprisingly, these also correspond with his favourite subjects which is no coincidence.  When he comes home, face shining and wearing a wide smile, excited to recount another funny story about his exuberant science teacher, my heart sings.  I'm so happy to hear these joyful tales of his school life.  He's associating learning with fun.  He's learning and he almost doesn't even realise it during these moments.  I can see beyond his teacher's 'show' and I know what she's doing.  I want to wink at her every time I see her.  She is the type of teacher he will remember and perhaps blog about in the future, not the teacher who had all their lesson plans laminated and alphabetised.  They may also have been brilliant but he won't remember them as fondly and he probably won't remember much of what they taught him in the long term.

As parents, what do we want to be at the core of our child's education?  Excellent academic results?  A positive learning experience?  A time to grow socially and emotionally?  A place to discover one's talents and interests?  I think the answer has to be a melting pot of all of the above.  The pursuit of excellent academic results should not be at the expense of all other aspects of a child's education.  Would we have enjoyed the movie, Dead Poet's Society, without English teacher, John Keats.
He was the central character in that wonderful movie and without him, there would not have been any society nor indeed any story to tell.

Homework Reading - Top Tips

Most children have reading to do as part of their daily homework.  I know many parents question the value of homework in general but I promise you, no matter where you sit on the question of homework - reading is ALWAYS a good way for your child to spend time.  I am passionate about books and so far I've raised book-loving children too.  I don't claim to be an expert in literacy but I'm happy to share my successes in this regard with other parents in the hope that adopting some of the same approaches may improve your experience of reading at home too.  In this blog post, I will focus on homework reading and I have summarised my tips for parents at the bottom.

My approach to reading homework has always been to try to inject some entertainment value to the job at hand.  Let's be honest, some school readers especially early readers, are dull as dishwater with little or no plot going on because the function of the book is not the telling of a gripping story but rather to expose the reader to certain phonics and letter formations.  The younger child's intense concentration on sounding out words within sentences can result in the meaning of a passage being completely lost on them, making the process less enjoyable.  Therefore, extra effort is required on the part of parents to make homework reading with young children a less mundane, dare we say it, enjoyable, experience.  From 1st class, I even allowed my daughter to ditch school readers as long as she read a book of her own choosing for the required time as part of her homework.  More about that later.

ATTITUDE
I recommend always sitting down with your younger reader.  Your attitude to the 'task' of reading is essential.  I know it's easier said than done but if you are stressed, distracted or giving off resentful vibes, your child will pick that up and associate those same feelings with their reading homework.  Lots of positive vibes; smiles, cuddles and setting aside time to read calmly will mean it goes more smoothly.  If your child sees that you look forward to reading with them, they will too.

TIMING
As with any part of homework, choosing the right time of the day to do it is essential.  Too soon after school or leaving it too close to bedtime, will likely mean that your child will be too tired and cranky to focus.  After schoo, I give the children some 'down time' to relax or play outside followed by a snack and drink before homework is attempted.  This allows their brains to recharge, they got some fresh air and they re-fuel.  I know my son well enough to know that he won't get an iota of work done on an empty stomach!

TALKING
Once you're settled into your 'reading spot' together, check your child's homework journal for the pages of required reading.  Young children can often misunderstand oral instructions in class and think that they have to read the entire book.  Once you know what your child has to read, take a moment to admire their book.  I always read out the title, author, illustrator and often the 'blurb' at the back of a new reader.  I show great interest in every book presented to me.  We talk about the people involved in producing the book e.g. "Wow, I really like Quentin Blake's drawings in this book!" My daughter particularly enjoys the word "blurb" and she used to giggle asking me; "shall I read out the BLURB to you Mom?"  This conversation may take only a minute or so but it sets the reading of the book in context.  The child can see it for what it is - a story book - not just a task.  Someone took the time to write it and illustrate it.  It's a bit like admiring a plate of food in front of you before tucking in.  It will be all the more enjoyable, if you take a moment to admire the artistry of the chef, the aromas and the ingredients used to create the feast before you.  I suppose it's teaching the child how to appreciate a book for it's creativity and for the possibilities that lie inside it.  Likewise, taking moments to talk about what just happened or what we think may happen next serve to keep your child's interest alive.  Particularly emotive passages are well worthwhile pausing on to encourage your child to talk about what they're thinking.  Questions such as; "what do you think about Joey's actions there?",  "What would you have done in that situation?"  are the types of questions I found to illicit good conversation.

GUIDING
Allowing your child the time to sound out words can be frustrating, for both of you.  I am not a patient person naturally so I literally used to sit on my hands and clamp my mouth shut, to prevent me from blurting out the word!  Patience does pay off when you allow your child to work out a difficult word using the skills that they've learned in school, because you will notice how much their confidence grows from those small achievements.  I made the mistake of correcting my child's mispronunciations immediately after a word which  only elicited anger and frustration.  I learned to allow her to finish a sentence or paragraph before drawing her attention to the sentence in which she had made "one small mistake".  I also learned that it was better to give her the chance to re-try the word before jumping in with my corrected version.  Again, it's all about empowering your child to fix their own mistakes.  In my the case of my aforementioned, headstrong daughter, she came up with a code that she would squeeze my hand if she wanted my input and otherwise I was remain silent (!).  If you notice over time that your child is continuing to struggle, make a note of particular words or readers that they had difficulty with and make a point of having a word with their teacher.  Chances are if there is a problem, your child's teacher will be calling you first but as the child's parent, you are in the best position to know when s/he is out of their depth or that something is not quite right.  Early intervention is key so that you can arm yourself with the right supports for your child's needs.  Your child's teacher can offer you guidance on the best course of action.

PRAISE
It's a cliché but lots of praise is so important.  Praise can be verbal but so as not to interrupt train of thought or flow of reading, praise can be communicated in a gesture, an utterance or a look.  Smiling encouragement, an affectionate rub on their back or a murmur of appreciation following a difficult word is a soothing balm.  Showing your child how impressed you are with their progress and how much you enjoy their reading is so encouraging.

ANALYSING
I encourage my children to think about what they're reading.  The reason for this is twofold; by me asking a question about a passage or a character shows them that I'm listening with interest and it reinforces their learning.  If my child has just read a word that I think may be knew to them, I can prompt a thought about that word e.g. "what other word do you know that means the same thing?" or as they get older "why do you think the author chose X word rather than Y word to express that?"  This kind of discussion is really helpful in developing the child's written expression too.  Sometimes similar words can have subtle differences in their meaning and it can be fun to work out how to best explain that together.  There are endless 'games' that you can play with words.  My children enjoy adjective (a word that describes a person/place/thing) games around the dinner table.  E.g. How many alternative ways can we describe "the 'cold' day?  Bitter, icy, freezing, Wintry etc.

TIRED
If your child is having a particularly hard time reading a new book or s/he is just having a bad day, offer them an incentive to complete the reading.  For example, I would suggest that I read every second sentence for them.  If employing this method with younger children, remember to read slowly, enunciating each word clearly and underlining each word with your finger as you say them.  Sometimes on tired days I know my daughter's attention will flag, I offer for her to read only the dialogue passages and I dare her to put on the funniest voices possible for each character.  This  usually raises her energy levels and she looks forward to each passage of dialogue so she can delight me with her fantastic impressions of each character.  Before we know it, the pages are read.

Going back to my reference to allowing said daughter to read books of her own choosing, I want to clarify that obviously in younger years, teachers assign certain readers to their students based on their reading group's abilities and to support literacy work carried out in the classroom.  Therefore, I would suggest talking to your younger child's teacher before swapping out his reading material at homework time.  In the case of my own child, I knew that she was a very competent reader and in the top group in her class, so I wasn't concerned about that slipping. I was more concerned about her love of reading fading.  She was already my reluctant reader at home, naturally more inclined to sports and active pursuits and therefore fussier about her reading material.  At the time, she had begun to dread homework reading.  While the language was at an acceptable level for her ability, the books did not offer any entertainment value.  Frankly, they were boring.  I don't believe reading should ever be done as a chore, it should always be done for pleasure.  So I made a decision as a parent, knowing my daughter, to change out her readers for books from her own library at home.  I knew she would not be disadvantaged in anyway and I was protecting her relationship with reading.  At the time, she chose to read books about an all girls soccer team The Kicks by Alex Morgan which captured her interest.  Two years on, she's still reading strong and I'm happy that I made the right decision at that time.

BEDTIME READING
Finally, I would urge you not to allow homework reading to replace your normal bedtime reading.  Allowing your child to select a book from the shelf at home, at the library or in a book store is such an enjoyable part of the reading experience.  It gives them ownership of it.  No matter how fun you try to make homework reading, it will always be something that they HAVE to do and raising your children to become readers has so much to do with allowing them to make CHOICES about reading so that it becomes a part of their lifestyle.  Save bedtime reading for pure pleasure; for cuddles, fairytales, fables and stories that are silly, rude, scary, magical and all of the above.  If you're not sure where to start, pick up any classic children's book or for inspiration, invest in 1001 Children's Books You Must Read Before You Grow Up which is jam packed with ideas.  Reading aloud to children is vitally important throughout their primary school years so if they prefer, do let your child sit back, relax and enjoy your narration.

  SUMMARY OF MY TOP TIPS:

- always have a positive attitude to your child's reading homework
- sit with your younger child for the duration of reading homework
- hover close by to older children reading aloud to offer occasional commentary and encouragement or help if requested
- give your child enough time to use the skills that they've been taught in school to work out words.  Resist the urge to read out difficult words for them.  Agree a signal to use when they need your input.
- Resist the urge to correct an incorrectly pronounced word immediately.  Give them another go at the sentence and if it's repeated, point to the word and offer them another go to focus on that word.
- Discuss words that crop up, that are new to your child.  Think of language like music and talk about it in those terms e.g. do you like the sound of that word?  What else does it sound like?  Does it sound like it's meaning?  What other word do you know that also means the that?  What other way could you say that?
- Use lots of tone and characterful voices to bring a story alive and encourage them to do so too when they become more confident readers.
- For a child who may be really struggling or slow reading, offer them an incentive e.g. "you read a passage, then I'll read a passage and so on" or "when you've read it through slowly, I'll read it to you in one fluid passage" (using your best dramatic 'reading' voices) to give them the benefit of the story while they relax
- If you have any concerns about your child's reading, make an appointment to speak with their teacher

My sister is a primary school teacher and last year, she asked me to produce a leaflet for the parents of her class about supporting reading at home, which I've attached below.  Please leave your own top tips in the comments. Happy reading!