Parenting my ADHD Child - Advice to my Younger Parenting Self

ADVICE TO MY YOUNGER PARENTING SELF

My child with A.D.H.D is 15 now and doing well in secondary school. He is a happy, chatty, outgoing boy with a lovely group of friends and he has kind, supportive teachers. He's a normal, imperfect teenager. We got here after some awful years in primary school and I wish I'd known some things back then that I know now...

Cleaning out boxes in the attic one morning recently, I opened up my son's school journals from his first primary school. The copious correspondence between his teachers and I took me back to a time when I was young, naive, eager to please and ignorant about my son's condition and his needs. It reminded me of the many, many, many afternoons I fought and cried with him over doing his homework. It reminded me of desperate moments that I would forge his writing to pretend he had done it, to avoid punishment for him from his unyielding teacher the next day. A time when I got angry and shouted at him for feeling embarrassed and stressed following yet another summons and diatribe from his scary teacher. A time I punished him at home for things that happened in school because I was told to do so by his teacher. For too long, I sent him to that school where he was unhappy, demeaned and punished daily and often for things that were outside his control. He was a really bright boy who spent much of his time in the junior infants classroom to humiliate him into compliance or standing outside his classroom or sitting inside the Principal's office being threatened.

His crimes were; reading to the end of a page when the class had been told to stop, paring his pencil at the wrong time, pushing a kid who had pushed him first, talking out of turn, fidgeting or jiggling in his chair, going to the toilet too frequently, not looking at the teacher when she was speaking to him, not concentrating on task, unfinished work... The list was endless but looking back now, none of it was terrible, though he and I were made to feel so. I realise now that his teacher's cataclysmic responses and complete lack of tolerance was the real problem. I hate that I was that stupid, nodding-dog Mum for a while, that I did not protect him.

Thankfully, we finally woke up and extracted him from that toxic environment after 3rd class and he moved to a school where he was treated with kindness and compassion. Really, really simple things made a huge difference to his happiness, co-operation and performance in school. I cannot express to you how life changing it is to have a Principal and a teacher who understands ADHD. He couldn't believe that he was allowed to take breaks from class as often as he felt like it, without so much as a word to his teacher. All the teachers in the school knew that if they saw him walking the corridor, he was on a little break and they would smile and chat to him as he passed. He was asked for his input into how class could be better for him. His social skills were developed. I was treated with compassion and my input too was valued. The nasty correspondence home stopped. He started to blossom.

If I were starting all over again, I would tell myself to pick my battles carefully (homework was not a worthwhile battle), to read my son's behaviours (what is beyond his anger - is he mentally exhausted?, did something happen at school?, is he simply hungry?)
and I would stand up for his needs against the powerhouse that school can be. In our case, I would eliminate homework for him in primary school. I instilled a love of reading in my children and on reflection, that was all he needed to be doing. He was reading way beyond his age and yet mundane homework was the source of so much angst in our daily lives for too many years. In my do-over, I would talk to his teacher at the beginning of the year and tell her that we would probably not be doing homework most days and explain to her that his level of concentration in school all day already stretched him and that him getting fresh air and exercise after school was essential to his wellbeing and that us having a friction free afternoon was more important.

In the scheme of my beautiful boy's life, all those years of homework didn't count for anything except bad memories. I guess what I am saying, is take a step back and examine the source of your greatest battles and weigh up - is it worth it? Is it that important? How will you reflect on it in years to come? Gaining perspective on what is important and learning to stand up for my son have been the biggest learning curves on my ADHD parenting journey and one that I'm keeping in mind every day that I encourage my lad to do some study for his junior cert. Some days, he does great, productive study and others he spins on his chair and day dreams out the window. His bedroom is mostly messy, he has to be told to do something ten times, he is disorganised and he blurts out lies before folding with the truth, but boy, does he make me laugh with his quick wit, he is kind hearted and a complete charmer,a loyal friend, he gives the best spontaneous hugs and I know he is going to be absolutely okay. I just wish I'd known this ten years ago when his eager little face disappeared through the door of junior infants.